Browncoats and Tin Badges
by Ava Telcontar
Summary: Things don't go smooth when Serenity takes a wrong turn and ends up in the O.Z. Tin Man Crossover
1. Take Me Where I Cannot Stand

**Part One**

* * *

Out in the black a tiny firefly class transport boat named Serenity flew hell bent for leather trying to get away from a ship that resembled nothing as a space going shark. It was a reaver ship and Serenity was quickly running out of options.

Captain Malcolm Reynolds grimly tried to avoid the crazed cannibals on his tail. It was days like this that he really missed Wash. Not, that he didn't miss the pilot in general but, when he was being chased by something that wanted to wear his skin as clothes he found a great retroactive appreciation for his deceased friend. Mal Reynolds was not a 'leaf on the wind.'" That the reavers were catching up was a testament to that.

"Ta ma de!" Mal said with feeling as Serenity shook with another particle beam bombardment.

"Need to soar," said River's soft voice from behind him.

Mal grunted, "Little albatross, if you don't mind I'm tryin to concentrate here."

---

"Where's the spanner?" Kaylee asked as she bustled around her beloved engines.

Simon grabbed the engineer before the furiously rocking boat knocked her to the floor. Her brown eyes wide with panic.

Kaylee took in a deep breath. She smiled weekly at the doctor. She needed to find the spanner so they wouldn't all die. "You'd think I'd be used to this by now."

"Me too," Simon gave a tense laugh and kissed her forehead. "Will you be alright?"

Kaylee nodded.

"I'll go get the infirmary ready for the inevitable injuries," Simon said as they were unceremoniously thrown into a wall.

---

"Let go." River sat down in the copilots chair with an inpatient sniff. "Let me. I can soar; like a leaf on the wind."

Mal looked at River's set face and his breath whooshed out in a sigh. If anybody on board could out fly a reaver it would be the crazy girl.

"You've got the reins," Mal said making a take from here gesture.

River rerouted the helm to her control.

The shark ship and the firefly danced in the black. Then the universe went crazy.

"Oh, juh jen sh guh kwai luh duh jean jan..." Mal muttered as a special anomaly flared to life around them.

River's eyes widened, "Pretty." And it was; a swirling maelstrom of rainbow light.

Mal gave her an irritated look from the corner of his eye. There wasn't anything wrong with seeing the pretty of the tiger about to devour you per say… just a little in bad taste.

The anomaly began to swirl. If anything it resembled…a tornado.

"Go-se!" Malcolm exclaimed in horror as it began to pull both the firefly and the reaver ship into itself.

"The ship began to pitch," murmured River with a smile.

* * *

Ta ma de

Dammit

Oh, juh jen sh guh kwai luh duh jean jan...

Oh, this is a happy development...

Go-se

crap

* * *

DG was bored out of her mind. She decided that she hated parades with a fiery passion. Sometimes she wondered if Azkadelia faked being nervous around crowds just so she wouldn't have to make these kinds of public appearances. 

Currently, she rode in a gilded carriage pulled by gray horses, her face frozen into a smile waving stiffly at the cheering throng. Why, oh why, had her parents chosen to give her this duty? She sucked at official princess stuff.

Wyatt Cain rode a white horse keeping pace with the carriage. He was bored out of his mind. It was great. No running after DG when she wandered off for the umpteenth time, no pulling her out of the newest nest of trouble she fallen in, no chasing off new suitors…

A smug smile hovered at his lips. The Gillikin township of Loonville (so named for the plum crested loons that lived in the neighboring swamp) was as safe a place as she could go. He'd made sure of it. Before, signing off on anything that would leave her outdoors and vulnerable he'd taken precautions; he'd had the town and surrounding countryside scoured for Longcoat dissidents and other troublemakers, he'd had Glitch install a force field in the carriage and he had a large number of his men in plain clothes wandering about the crowd.

The princess was safe for once. Cain groaned to himself. He really hadn't just thought that, did he? He wasn't a man given to superstition but like the phrase 'what could go wrong' he knew it was just tempting fate.

"How long does a parade take?" DG muttered.

Cain scanned all sides warily, "It'll take as long as it takes, kiddo."

DG's eyes narrowed at the reply. Just as she was going to make an angry retort something caught at the edges of her consciousness. It tweaked at her mind like melancholy cords from a guitar. Her face smile faded away and she stared at the sky.

_You can't take the sky from me…_

Elsewhere, Azkadelia paused in her walk of the garden and looked up…

Wyatt Cain scowled. Things never did go smooth. "What is it?"

DG didn't have to. The sky above them exploded of rainbow tinted light and something shot out before the sky faded back to blue.

With a sound like a sonic boom a thing that gleamed bronze flew over the momentarily hushed crowd.

DG stood up in the carriage—wonder in her eyes, "It's a spaceship!"

----

After a very bumpy landing Zoë stumbled into the cockpit, "What happened?"

"We hit atmo with a little turbulence," Malcolm said with a wry smile. He gave River a look, "Any idea where that whirligig o' fun landed us?"

River unstrapped herself from the copilots' chair, "Over the rainbow."

Reynolds rolled his eyes, "Well, aren't you a fount of nothin' today."

River rolled her eyes, "We went past the farthest edge of the black; two suns in the sky."

Zoë blinked at her, "That makes it all clear as crystal."

River patted her lightly on the stomach, "Not to fret mother wolf. Understanding comes."

She looked down and frowned, "Gotta go change. The princess is coming." With that the reader ran down the hall.

Mal sighed. "Does she always have to talk so metaphorical?"

"It does keep us on our toes, captain," The first officer said considering. She glanced out the cockpit window. "Course, it might not be so metaphorical."

The captain followed her nod. Two suns shone in the sky.

"Now that is all sorts of unsettlin," Mal breathed. He turned and gave her a crooked smile, "Ifin you don't get down to the medbay, the good doctor will come lookin for ya."

"I'm pregnant—not made of the glass," Zoë huffed."

---

Wyatt Cain didn't know quite what happened. First, he had quite clearly said no. He'd said it emphatically in fact. He recalled threatening to tie her to a tree. The result…DG sat in front of him on the horse as they led a small group of guards to checkout the 'spaceship.' He noted absently that DG smelt nice…like lilacs.

It was that wet thing DG did with her eyes and the pouty thing she did with her pink mouth; he was a sucker for it every time.

He listened patiently as she spoke of travel between stars in metal cans; they had some strange notions on the Other Side.

They stopped at a small corpse of trees and dismounted.

The vessel was a warm coppery bronze and it stood on two stubby little legs. Doors swung open and out came two figures.

Wordlessly Cain held out a hand and a guard smacked a pair of binoculars in them. Through the lenses he could see that the two figures were a man and a woman. One of the first things a Tin Man learned was how to read people; every facial tic gave something away.

The man was big, muscled and his posture clearly said hired thug. Also, he was heavily armed.

The woman in overalls on the other hand barely came up to the merc's shoulder gave off a wide eyed innocent vibe.

"I suppose you want to go meet them?" Cain said resignedly as DG eagerly snatched away the binoculars to take a look.

"Need you even ask?"

----

Jayne pulled out Vera with a growl at the sight of the contingent of armed men on horseback. Kaylee ducked behind them.

Mal ambled down the ramp with Zoë close behind him. "Is that how you greet folk that 're just passin through?"

A tall pale man with a shiny badge (was that tin?) stepped in front of the gun toting locals. He had a nice hat. "To be fair your man drew on us first."

"Is that right?" Mal gave him a lazy grin.

"Oh. For God's sake," a small woman with the biggest blue eyes that Mal had ever seen wove her way around the man in the hat. "If your guy puts down his gun, our guys will put down theirs. And nobody gets shot." Somehow this request, given as it was in a very pleasant voice, sounded a lot like an order.

Mal looked from Blue-Eyes to the man hovering at her elbow was obviously her bodyguard, the man's icy blue eyes held steady and the girl…something about that wide eyed stare made him fell all see-through.

"Put Vera away," Mal holstered his own weapon.

Zoë eased down the shotgun.

Grumbling Jayne stowed Vera away.

"Name's Malcolm Reynolds," Mal said eyeing the welcoming committee.

The lawman in front nodded fractionally, "Wyatt Cain, Tin Man."

"What in the garram hell is a Tin Man?" Jayne wondered.

Cain gave him a considering look as if ascertaining the best way to take him out, "Tin Men is what we call the law in these parts."

Blue-Eyes managed to look both amused and annoyed at the manly exchange Mal noted.

The twin suns caught Mal's eye, "How far from the Core would you say we were?"

"The Core?" the girl with the blue eyes asked.

Kaylee kind of gaped at her, "The core planets…" She trailed off at the girl's off expression.

Cain eyed the firefly speculatively, "I take it then you're not from around here."

Reynolds shrugged, "Not remotely. My boat got a mite roughed up a now we can't make atmo."

Blue-Eyes bounced up peering undue wonder at the firefly like she'd never seen a spaceship, "Is that your boat? What's her name?"

"Serenity. She's a firefly class transport." Mal said gauging the welcoming committees' expressions.

"Now that you're acquainted with myself and my boat would you like to introduce yourself?" Malcolm knew that she had to be someone important to have Cain and her very own posse to protect her.

"DG Gale," She said cheerfully.

Cain let out a long suffering sigh, "Princess DG of the house of Gale."

"Where the light will take you no one ever knows…" River silently slipped around to stand in front of the…princess. By the looks of it she must have borrowed a dress from Inara.

To Malcolm's surprise River actually dipped down into a graceful curtsy.

"I'm the river. Sometimes I'm a babbling brook. I'm honored to meet the young lady who fell from a star," River said to the bafflement of all.

----

Wyatt Cain didn't quite know what to make of Malcolm Reynolds and his crew. They were obviously criminals in some fashion, given they came with a ship he'd bet on smuggling. But, with the possible exception of their semi-tame merc it was clear they were good people.

Captain Reynolds had all the hallmarks of former military from the way he held himself to the clothes on his back. His only loyalties seemed to be for his people. Cain wondered what kind of iron suit he was put into once.

Zoë Washburne, first officer. She was a soldier through and through even though she didn't fight under any flag but Serenity's. Tough, reticent and caring; she was also pregnant and recently widowed.

Inara Serra was a woman of astounding beauty and poise. A 'Licensed Companion' which seemed to be some kind of high scale courtesan. She was genuinely surprised at the finding that her profession wasn't legal in the O.Z.

Then there was the hired gun. Jayne Cobb, the man had professional henchman written all over his face. If he didn't stop leering at DG he was going to get shot.

Ship's engineer Kaywinnit Lee 'Kaylee' Frye had to be the most cheerful girl in the universe. One of the nicest people he'd ever met; pretty and perky and a joy to be around. How she'd gotten herself on Serenity was anybodies guess.

The Tam siblings; Dr. Simon Tam was a serious young man who stood absolutely straight. He had the stunned look of someone who'd just recently stopped being chased but can't stop looking over his shoulder just yet.

And River; her eyes were as haunted as Azkadelia's and she moved as gracefully as a mist maiden.

Cain suspected that there were very good reasons for her brother to watch her as closely as he did.

"What do you mean Earth-That-Was?" DG's voice held a tinge of hysteria that pulled Cain right out of his reverie. "I grew up on Earth. Kansas, that's in the United States of America in the northern hemisphere."

Jayne let out a short nasty laugh, "What in the rutting hell are ya talkin about girl? Earth was used up centuries ago. You sound loonier than our own moonbrain."

DG glared.

Wyatt Cain gave Reynolds a bland smile.

Mal got the message. "Jayne, you'll want to be a mite more circumspect in your speech patterns. Also, apologize to the princess for bein a hwoon dahn."

Jayne let out a sullen sorry.

"You grew up on Earth?" Dr. Tam raised a skeptical brow. "Forgive me; but, that does seem somewhat unlikely."

"Not unlikely," River said. "Nor is it impossible. Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." River looked at DG. "Earth abides, still on the Other Side. Serenity was caught in a knot in the strings of time and space."

DG smiled, "So you're from an alternate reality then?"

"That made sense to you?" Zoë wondered.

The princess nodded, "String theory, I understand the basics. Kinda. If words are used and not you know…math."

The 'discussion' that followed the mention of parallel realities had been heated. And when magic had entered the equation…

The princess had calmly listened to their incredulousness before ripping out the rug from under them. DG sauntered over to a beech tree and had made it bring forth apple blossoms. That had shut the door of their disbelief in a hurry.

Princess DG smiled at Reynolds's disbelieving expression; eyes wide, mouth opened. "Welcome to the O.Z."

**_To Be Continued..._**

* * *

hwoon dahn

Jerk, bastard, scoundrel; literally, "bastard egg"


	2. Take Me Out to The Black

* * *

Serenity was able to make it up in the air. Inara steeled herself for a bumpy ride. According to Princess DG there was a man in Central City that could help them get Serenity ready for the black, although; she was doubtful about how they were going the get back to their own universe.

The Companion had always considered herself to be open minded; however, recent events had her completely baffled. Inara tried to pull in all her wildly jumping thoughts. First, they were being chased by reavers; a very bad yet familiar situation. Then they were pulled into a special anomaly, only to crash on a world with two suns and where magic apparently was just another fact of life.

Wyatt Cain nodded his head to her as he sat and accepted a cup of tea from Zoë. He was a puzzle to her. At first glance the 'Tin Man' (strange descriptor that was) reminded her strongly of Mal.

Both were kind, strong, independent and inherently decent men. Only, Cain made no effort to hide it. They were similar in their loyalties. Mal to Serenity and his crew. Cain to his princess and his world; and that's the order Inara was certain those loyalties came in.

"So," Zoë contemplated her tea. "Royal bodyguard, sounds like an interesting job?" Zoë wasn't good with small talk. And the 'magic is real' thing had slowed her thoughts some.

"It's not so bad. When she doesn't wander off," Cain grumbled the last bit.

Inara looked up with a slight smile, "And where is her highness now?"

"She went off with Miss. Frye to see the engine room," Cain said with a rueful smile.

The princess was another puzzle. That she had grown up on a farm explained both her lack of polished sophistication and self-sufficient spirit. Analyzing her was like trying to pin down mist. Princess DG was a fascinating mixture of wide eyed innocence and gently ironic cynicism that you just didn't see in most people her age.

"_When a man's an empty kettle he should be on his mettle. / And yet I'm torn apart. / Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human/ If I only had heart,"_ River sang over the intercom.

Inara blinked. She'd never done that before. She caught the expression on Cain's face; a little pale…well more pale with wide troubled eyes. Apparently, River's newly discovered aptitude for songwriting was one that touched on a nerve.

Zoë just sighed.

"_I'd be tender - I'd be gentle and awful sentimental / Regarding Love and Art. / I'd be friends with the sparrows ... / and the boys who shoots the arrows / If I only had a heart,"_ River sang on.

"You're scare'n our guests," Mal's voice touched with exaggerated patience could be heard over the intercom.

"Am not. The music's in the air. I'm just giving it voice," River returned. A pause and then voice quavering, "You don't like my singing voice?"

"No. I did not say that," Mal said in the universal placating tone men used on women they'd inadvertently offended. "It's a right pretty singing voice. I'm just suggestin that maybe our guests don't want to be serenaded."

"I knew it!"

----

"It looks like the compression coil is zao gao something bad," Kaylee scratched her forehead smearing it a bit with oil.

DG gave the engine a critical once over. While, she was far from being an expert in spaceship engines she knew when something was being held together with duct tape and good intentions.

It was clear that the engineer, like herself, was a genius when it came to mechanics, that was the only way this thing was keeping Serenity in the air. "You caught some damage lately," DG ventured.

Kaylee scowled, "That obvious? We got caught by pirates who thought to scavenge us. We got most o' it back though."

It had taken Kaylee a surprisingly short time to get over her initial nervousness of being around a bona fide princess…a magic princess at that. DG wasn't stuck-up in the least. She was down right sweet.

And she knew her engines!

"If we can't repair this I'm sure Glitch could invent something that works twice as good," DG said thoughtfully.

Kaylee's face scrunched up, "You want to let someone named 'Glitch' at my engines?"

DG laughed.

----

Dr. Simon Tam wandered into the kitchen. He nodded politely at Inara and Cain before turning a long suffering smile in Zoë's direction. "It's time for a checkup."

"No it's not," Zoë said…well not frantically. Zoë did not do frantically. It was just that the undue fuss Simon made over her these days was uncomfortable.

"It's been three weeks since your last checkup. And quite recently you were bounced around." Simon used his reasonable voice. The one that made you feel like a naughty five year old.

Zoë hated being on the receiving end of that voice. She was not a woman who liked feeling like a naughty five year old and so she gave the doctor a stare with just a hint of a scowl attached. Normally, this would frighten Simon off. But, unfortunately he was in doctor-mode and not even naked reavers would make him back down.

"Zoë, do you want me to explain to you again exactly what happens to your body during pregnancy again?" Simon raised an inquiring brow, "In detail?"

To Inara's great surprise the stoic first officer blushed bronze along her cheekbones.

Zoë stood up and glared. "Gan ao man yi," she muttered sullenly.

Simon laughed lightly, "Is that anyway for a mother to talk?" He followed her out of the kitchen.

"He's very brave," Cain said after a moments thought.

Inara nodded, "If he's lucky she'll only beat him about the head and shoulders."

Wyatt Cain sipped at his rapidly cooling coffee, "So, what do you plan on telling your captain?"

The companion frowned delicately, "I'm not sure I know what you mean?"

He snorted, "He wants to know the lay of the land. I can't say as I blame him, what with being thrown in a different dimension and all."

Inara considered, "And if that were the case?"

"We're no harm to him and his if he's no harm to us," Cain said after some deliberation.

"I'll mention it to Captain Reynolds."

Cain tipped his hat, "Much obliged ma'am."

----

"Do they always have to do that?" DG grumbled as she peered out the window. An armed liveried troop stood at attention outside of the firefly.

Cain chuckled, "They don't always do that when you come; we've got company. Besides, would you rather having to sneak in while being chased by Longcoats?"

"Maybe," DG said airily.

"Now, don't go all nostalgic on us," Cain muttered rolling his eyes.

Malcolm wandered over to the window an observed, "That does not look like a friendly welcome."

DG sighed, "Don't worry, Captain. They're not here to clap you in irons. It's just an honor guard. We don't get visitors from outer space all that often." She shot a smile at Mal that lit up the room.

Mal found himself blinking and smiling helplessly back at her.

Inara looked from the captain to the princess with an disbelieving expression. DG had to be magic if she could get an unguarded expression out of Mal like that.

Cain chuckled. "Miss. Serra, the princess has a way of thawing the most frozen of hearts."

"So I see," said the astonished companion.

Mal shook himself like a dog trying to shed himself of the euphoric feeling he'd gotten when DG had smiled at him. It had felt like his insides were being filled up with sunlight. Magic… right. That would explain it.

"Come on, I'll introduce you to my parents!" DG chirped.

* * *

Queen Lurline made them welcome with all kinds of fanfare and welcomed them warmly. Then she excused herself. Apparently, in the O.Z. the monarchy was a real job and not the mostly symbolic affair on Londoninium. 

Mal Reynolds had once said something about a government being a body of people notably ungoverned. He didn't think that Queen Lurline quite fit into that category. From what he could tell she ruled herself and her kingdom (queendom?) with iron discipline.

Couple that with her soft spoken demeanor and her majesty rather reminded Mal of his mother; it was mostly this comparison that made him leery of crossing the lady with the lavender eyes.

-----

"Fei yi suo si hun luan, hun luan zhi gou ji mao! Let me see if I've got this," Simon said with a pensive expression. "Half of your brain was removed?"

Ambrose nodded absently as he looked over Kaylee's detailed engine specs. "Yeah. It was kind of a pain. They took part of my brain and I went a little insane. Hey! That rhymed!"

Simon's eyes had widened. Simon had expressive eyes. That was a good thing because a good deal of the time his face was stuck in an immobile calm. Currently, his eyes had widened past fear and were now on pure incredulity. "But that's just not physically possible! You'd die if someone removed half your brain. The logical fallacies in the statement just boggle the mind."

Glitch laughed at the doctor's expression, "Magic."

Simon blinked. That small fact about life in the O.Z. hadn't really sunk in yet. The scientist in him was hugely resentful of the very existence of such a thing. The other part of him, the part that was clearly River's brother jumped up and down in glee and thumbed his nose at the scientist. "Oh."

"And some alchemy…a lot of alchemy," Ambrose continued. "They put it in a glass case."

Simon had a sudden flash of the bipolar royal advisor taking out his brain each night and keeping in a jar on his dresser overnight.

Ambrose scratched his head, "We're going to have to just remove the engine entirely and rebuild it from the ground up.

"I don't know who's going to hate that plan more; the captain or Kaylee."

-----

"Fan shi bei! You were possessed by the spirit of an evil witch," Zoë stated flatly.

Azkadelia sipped her tea. "I'm thinking about putting together a pamphlet on the subject that explains everything and we can hand it out to all visitors to the O.Z. as they arrive."

DG laughed aloud.

Zoë shrugged, "We don't have much in the way of possession where we come from."

"'Less the shepherd didn't tell us everything 'bout being a preacher," Kaylee said thoughtfully from behind her small mountain of strawberries.

"Thank you Kaylee," Zoë said. "I haven't been this disturbed in some time."

"Yer welcome," Kaylee said dunking a strawberry into chocolate.

"I'd imagine recovering from such an ordeal would cause difficulties," spoke up Inara thoughtfully.

Az smiled sadly, "Some days are better than others. The nightmares have faded for the most part."

DG reached out wordlessly and grasped Az hand. Az squeezed back.

"You just go on," Azkadelia said softly. "It's all you can do."

Zoë nodded. It was true. After Haven, after Miranda all they could do, all she could do was to put one foot in front of the other.

"So did it hurt when the fei gan xing hous came out of your boobs?" Kaylee asked Azkadelia.

Az raised an inquisitive brow.

"Flying monkeys," elaborated the mechanic.

DG snorted softly, "I think there is a word in there that you missed."

Kaylee blushed. Inara smiled and Zoë laughed.

"Yes," Azkadelia said flatly.

-----

"So Aliens?" Ahamo asked eagerly.

Somehow Mal found himself in the company of both of DG's fathers; the royal one and the robot one who were both peppering him with questions about life as a starship captain. Apparently, both were science fiction enthusiasts. Reynolds answered their questions and drank the royal whisky that tasted like gold going down and hoped desperately that Jayne would behave himself.

Unbeknownst to Mal, Jayne was under the watchful eye of Emily Gale who was widely regarded as the best cook in the O.Z. who was plying the mercenary with all manner of baked goods.

"I've not come across any," Mal admitted and nearly laughed at their disappointed expressions.

"No alien life at all?" Hank said looking a woebegone as a kicked puppy.

Mal nodded, "'Fraid so. But, it could be that it's only my 'verse that's devoid of alien life. According to your daughter we're most likely from a parallel reality."

Ahamo looked at Henry. Hank looked at Ahamo. Both sighed.

"There is that," Ahamo said with resignation.

----

"Would you like another piece of pie?" Emily asked.

Jayne stuck out his plate, "Yes, ma'am!"

Emily smiled and placed an overlarge slice of pie onto his plate and spooned some thick fresh cream over the top. The boy was enthusiastic eater, she'd give him that.

"Mrs. Gale if I were older or if you were younger I'd fight yer man for ya," Jayne said seriously.

Emily blinked, "That's sweet of you Mr. Cobb. I think."

----

When DG had first introduced them, River had put her hand over Raw's heart and in an instant knew all about him. Her wild untrained _powerful _mind brushed against his and he almost fainted…only the sure and certain knowledge that Cain and Glitch would tease him about it forever kept him from crumpling down on the floor like a dropped jacket.

Raw had never met a human quite like River Tam. Not magic. A reader…the human version of a viewer only in River it was supercharged and it didn't have jesses to hold it in check. She was so…broken inside. Her heart was naked and vulnerable and the world whispered its secrets into her ears.

And at the moment she seemed intent on being incredibly annoying.

"_Yeah, it's sad, believe me Missy /When you're born to be a sissy /Without the vim and verve /But I could show my prowess /Be a lion, not a mowess /If I only had the nerve,"_ River crooned.

Raw wondered idly why she felt the need to make up a song about his former cowardice. She didn't seem to understand personal boundaries.

"_I'm afraid there's no denyin' /I'm just a dandylion/A fate I don't deserve /I'd be brave as a blizzard…"_

As for River the O.Z. was a story. Not a story that she was part of but one that welcomed her as a guest star; And what a story it was…miracles, magic, fighting, footwear, true love, revenge, lions and tigers and…oh my.

River shot up and stared at the sky. It came alive again with a furious rainbow maelstrom.

--

DG and Azkadelia felt an itch grow under their skin and as one they looked to the window.

"This is bad," DG said as the wind began to swish.

Az snorted indelicately, "Ya think?"

Both princesses could smell the stench of rotting corpses on the wind.

--

"What is wrong?" Raw said his gaze wavering from the sky to the girl. He cautiously opened up his heart and immediately wanted to be sick.

_**pain rage hunger lust pain violence fury hunger need pain…**_

"Reavers," River whispered.

* * *

zao gao -- messed up 

gan ao man yi -- fucking arrogant doctor

Fan shi bei -- All things sorrowful

Fei yi suo si hun luan, hun luan zhi gou ji mao --Unimaginably strange confusion of dogs and cats

fei gan xing hou -- flying fucking monkey

----

When I realized that there was going to be a Reaver fight I knew that this was going to be longer than a two shot…so enjoy. Ava


	3. Tell them I ain't comin' back

Malcolm Reynolds, former farm boy from Shadow, veteran of the Battle of Serenity and currently captain of the starship Serenity found himself in the war room of the Palace that stands in the center of Central City. The room was bigger than Serenity's entire cargo hold and was decorated with embroidered tapestries of battles gone by. The rooms focal point was a large table the size of a small pond made of polished mahogany, a holographic display of the O.Z. flickered to life.

He found himself standing by Queen Lurline and Prince Consort Ahamo. Sometimes Mal wondered what the universe had against him; or if his creator was starting to take their estrangement somewhat personal. It never failed but he and his were dragged into some thrillin heroics.

After the sky opened up and spat out the reaver ship and once Raw had regained consciousness Az and DG had called for a Royal Council.

"Shen di yu!" Reynolds yelped with the small dog had morphed into a medium sized man.

Jayne muttered something about it 'just not being natural.' He slouched lower into his seat and tried not to draw attention to himself. Queen Lurline made him nervous. There were few things that made him nervous. Reavers, the doc when physical day came round, the doc's sister in one of her moods, Zoë in a temper, Mal threatening him with spacing…come to think of it a lot of things made him a mite nervous. The problem was just that Jayne didn't think he'd be able to lie to or pretend to those steady lavender eyes. And that frightened him.

Mal was just glad the merc had the sense to not say something rude in front of a woman who could order 'off with his head' and be more than reasonably sure that she would be obeyed.

Tutor rolled his eyes and took a seat beside Ambrose.

DG smiled at the reactions of Serenity's crew to the shapeshifter. "Magic, guys. Remember?"

Kaylee nodded absently clearly recalling that she'd scratched Toto's little doggie belly and hoped that she didn't offend the not-a-dog.

"There are reports of Viewers all over the kingdom either going catatonic or having fits," Ahamo sighed rubbing his eyes.

"They come and they kill and they like it," River muttered. "No table manners either."

Az turned startled eyes towards the girl.

Meeting River Tam had been…disquieting. Especially, since she had stared at Azkadelia before curtsying demurely and asking in a horribly sugary tone _"Are you a good witch or a bad witch? _It was disconcerting how those eyes had seemed to look so deep into her.

She had heard from Raw a little of what had happened to make her so very…off. Few things could make the gentle viewer angry but this had done it. Az had been very angry herself and wondered anew if it were possible to curse someone in another reality.

"What's so bad about these reavers?" Glitch wondered. The details had been a little fuzzy. All that they had really gotten across from the panic of the Serenity's crew and Raw's incoherent sobbing was that they were bad. It would help to know how bad in order to form an actual plan.

"If they take this castle, they'll rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins into their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order," Zoë said with a voice as cold as the reaches of space.

Ambrose blanched. That was really bad.

"Well, we don't have to worry about them invading the palace," Tutor rumbled. "They crashed somewhere in Quadling country."

"Oh dear Ozma," Lurline murmured as her husband took her hand. She gave Mal a look, "Captain Reynolds, what exactly are these reavers?"

"They were people once," Mal said bitterly. "But our government got it in their heads they could make people…better.

The Queen pursed her lips together and narrowed her lavender eyes, "And how did they plan on making people…better?" Her voice was calm and almost pleasant; however, there was something of the singing of the sword in the air around the edges.

"It was a gaseous compound called the Pax," Simon said. "It was initially designed to decrease a person's more aggressive impulses. And it worked all to well. 30 million people just stopped. They just sat down and died." The doctor rubbed his eyes. The secret that had so tormented River…if only he could convince himself it was the only one rattling around in his sister's head.

"The rest," continued Mal. "The rest went crazy and 'came nightmares walking."

DG swallowed convulsively and caught her sister's equally horrified expression.

Ahamo looked at the tutor, "Where exactly in Quadling country did the reaver ship crash land?"

Toto rubbed his eyes and sighed. He hated being the barer of bad news, "Spider Valley."

DG summed it up eloquently with, "Aw crap."

For once her parents and sister didn't chide her for language unbecoming a princess. They agreed this was bad.

"Ambassador Raw," the queen said.

The viewer's head had snapped up at the mention of Spider Valley. Throughout the meeting he had been silent. He'd never felt anything like the reavers. He never wanted to feel anything like the reavers ever again. "Yes, Majesty."

"I understand you have a means to communicate with your people over great distances?" Lurline asked.

Raw nodded, "Talk through the trees."

"Tell your people to get out. To evacuate and to spread the message to any that will listen." The queen commanded.

Raw nodded and exited with all haste.

"Your reavers will be the least of our worries if they wake up the spiders," Cain noted to Mal with a distinctively unhappy expression.

Simon looked at the grim looking O.Z.er's with a sinking feeling. "Why's it called Spider Valley?"

"Because of all the giant spiders," Ahamo supplied.

"For the last few hundred years we've been lucky they went into hibernation…but, your crazy zombies might be the thing to wake them up," Ambrose said helpfully.

"Giant spiders?" Inara's voice seemed to have gone pale.

Jayne just plain went pale.

There were few things that Inara Serra and Jayne Cobb had in common. Two of these things were that one) they were both air breathing mammals and two) they were both terrified of spiders.

"The spawn of Ungoliant who crawled through the cracks between the worlds, Shelob's eldest daughter is queen and mother and devourer and the reavers will wake her up," River intoned solemnly. "She serves none but herself, drinking the blood of Viewers and Men, bloated and grown fat with endless brooding over her feasts, weaving webs of shadow; for all living things are her food, and her vomit darkness."

Well that was all manner of creepifing, Mal thought holding back a not so manly shiver.

"That sounds disturbingly familiar," Simon murmured. Some book that he'd read when he was a small boy…something about a ring.

"What about the Clockwork Army?" DG asked thoughtfully.

Az gave her a flat look, "No!"

DG shrugged, "You told me that some of the Witch's Longcoats found the caves where they were stored and if the O.Z. is going to be taken over by reavers and giant spiders then I think that a robot army sounds like a hellava good idea!"

Azkadelia sighed heavily, "Yes. The entrance was found…"

Glitch raised a quizzical eyebrow, "If the witch knew where the Clockwork Army was hidden why didn't she use them to take out the Rebellion?"

Az shrugged, "Only a member of the house of Gale with _untainted_ magic can command the army." Her sudden smile lit up the room, "Besides, the old bad was terrified of spiders."

"Really," chorused DG and Ambrose in surprise.

The elder princess nodded enthusiastically. "Completely terrified. Once a daddy long legs got loose in her bedroom and she got on top of the dresser cowering until Zero killed it. I hope wherever the witch is now is just _full_ to the brim with spiders."

The dreamy way Azkadelia said that brought goosebumps on to Mal's skin. But, he couldn't say as he blamed her, possession had to be a mighty unpleasant experience. Also, he wondered if the brim full with spiders' hell was next door to that special hell for people who talked at the movies.

DG sighed, "I know that nobodies really on board with letting go to Spider Valley."

A muffled, "Ya think?" came from Cain. Who during the entire debate hadn't deigned to take a chair but had found a pillar to lean against.

"It's too dangerous," Lurline said firmly.

DG raised an inquisitive brow, "And I've never known danger?"

Ahamo lips turned upward in a reluctant smile. His younger daughter was going to get her way…yet again.

Ambrose just rolled his eyes in resignation.

Cain forced down a groan. He knew that tone of voice. It was the voice that he'd followed through the fields of the Pap-pay, the voice that had ordered (and; however, much the princess might choose to deny it…it had been a royal command) Raw to peer into Glitch's half a brain; it was the voice that she had sent her three friends into battle with.

DG was going. Even if she had to claw her way through stone.

"Look," DG's voice was weary. "I'm not really good at this princess stuff. I don't get all the rules and protocol and all that etiquette crap. What I do get is what it means to be from the House of Gale. It means that we're…I'm responsible for all the people of the O.Z. They're _my people_, my responsibility and I can't just sit on my satin covered ass while they're being eaten!"

A silence descended over the room like a stray fog bank.

"Well, I got ta say princess," Mal smiled at DG, "You're my kind of crazy."

DG smiled coquettishly back at the captain, "Why thank you kind sir."

"Don't. Encourage. Her." Bit out Wyatt Cain in annoyance.

Lurline's lavender eyes softened. At DG's age just being told 'no' would hardly have dissuaded her and her daughter wasn't any different.

"Very well," The queen conceded.

"Really?" DG wondered.

Queen Lurline nodded reluctantly, "I'm not sure if at this moment I'm angrier at your rushing headfirst into danger yet again or more proud of your courage." She gave Zoë a sly glance, "Commander Washburne?"

"Your majesty?" to Zoë's credit she didn't stumble over the unfamiliar title.

"Remember, that there comes a point when you can't help your child…you can only hope," Lurline said softly to the expectant mother.

Zoë nodded briskly, "Sometime hope's all there is."

Raw returned and looked from grim face to grim face, "What Raw miss?"

* * *

"You're drooling," said Glitch playfully. 

Cain turned his startled glaze from DG and glared at the royal advisor. "Shut up, convict," he said without any real heat.

DG was dressed in boots, dark brown pants, a short tailored leather jacket and a cream shirt a normal outfit for the princess. That wasn't what had caused Wyatt Cain's famed composer to take one look at her and pass out.

DG was _armed._

A weapons belt made of leather and gold hung over her curvy hips, a golden belt buckle with the royal sigil glittered in the middle. On her right hip a gun was holstered and on her left hip a saber was sheathed.

Cain knew that knives were most like nestled in her boots and the small of her back. He'd never seen the princess look so very…_dangerous_.

Then she turned around and the Tin Man groaned. Wyatt was beginning to think that DG was right and there was some kind of evil seamstress guild plot on it was not against her. It was against him. It had to be. Why else would glittering butterflies stitched in gold and bronze thread be embroidered onto the back pockets of a plain pair of brown paints?

Decorations that served no purpose but to draw attention the princess's pert little bottom. He wondered if the seamstresses got some sick pleasure out of tormenting him this way…and if that ape- man- gone- wrong –thing didn't stop eyeing DG's bottom blood would be spilt.

--

Jayne abruptly wrenched his eyes away when he felt the chill from the lawman's icy glare. It wasn't even like he was serious or nothin…he was just appreciating. As fine a filly as either of the princesses were their mother was just too scary.

--

For her part, DG was scared out of her mind. She wasn't exactly feeling all that sanguine about the situation. Sanguine means hopeful. Plus, point of interest: it also means bloody. Despite her cheerful bravado, DG was really quite terrified. Cannibals and giant spiders was not her idea of a good time hence the arsenal.

---

"No, no, no and furthermore no," Mal said with exaggerated patience to his glaring 2IC. "I will not have the ghost of your husband coming to haunt me. He might feed me to a herd of ghost dinosaurs if I let his pregnant wife face reavers and darkness vomitin spiders."

Zoë glowered at the captain.

For his part the captain reminded himself that she wouldn't strike her superior officer and that he really wasn't afraid of her…it was just that pregnancy had made her a tad…irritable.

"Do I have to sedate you...again," Simon asked her in passing.

Zoë turned her glare from the captain to the doctor. He was using his patented you are a small child and I know best voice. She hated it when Simon used that voice on her.

Reynolds wondered if he could slip the doctor a raise without him noticing. It wouldn't do for Simon to think he was grateful or anything.

---

Az fumed silently at her sister.

"Don't worry so much," DG said patting Azkadelia on the shoulder.

Az glared, "How am I not supposed to worry, you're going to face crazy zombies from space and giant spiders?"

"Okay, so you have cause to worry," DG conceded.

"Also, you're terrified." Az stated flatly.

It was DG's turn to glower, "How many time have I told you to stay out of my head?"

Azkadelia blinked at her and then she smiled widely in a way that made DG worry. "That's it!" And then she hugged DG tightly. When she pulled away although her eyes twinkled her serious face was back. "What's Rule One?"

DG sighed, "Don't die." Cain had once threatened to have it tattooed to the back of her hand so she wouldn't forget it.

"You'd better not," Princess Azkadelia ordered.

"From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring," came River's voice from behind them.

The sisters turned as one and stared at River who had sidled up as quiet as a cat.

"That sounds so familiar," murmured DG.

---

"We're gonna go save a magic kingdom from dire peril. What does that make us?" Wondered Malcolm Reynolds.

"Big damn heroes," replied Simon who wondered how in the hell he was elected the Zoë stand in.

"That it does," Mal said with an edged smile.

* * *

Shen di yu -- Holy hell 

Ungoliant and Shelob are from Arda as written by the incomparable J.R.R. Tolkien.

All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring; renewed shall be blade that was broken, the crownless again shall be king.—Bilbo Baggins

Rule One is from Buffy.


End file.
